Where are you going?
Can you take me with you?
For my hand is cold
And needs warmth
Where are you going?
~ Godspell, By My Side
So no, it hasn’t been one of the best weeks in our history. I’m in a tough place. A very tough place. And yet, life goes on. The rocks keep falling, the phone keeps ringing, the bills keep showing up in the mailbox. The letters still need to be written, the meetings attended, the work done. The business of life doesn’t stop just because we happen to feel like we’ve been hit by a sledge-hammer.
And neither does the joy. Just because we stop seeing it for a while doesn’t mean it’s no longer there. Hidden really, really well maybe – buried really, really deep – but there.
Tonight, I will take my baby girl and hit the road. For the very first time in her eight and half years, she and I will be taking a road trip. Alone.
Our destination is New York City.
We have a reservation at a fancy hotel (thank you, online discount travel agent) and tickets to a Broadway show.
Not just any show, of course.
In and of itself, a ‘show’ is no gift to my daughter. In fact, she’s made it through exactly – well, one play in her life, and that was a dress rehearsal that we were lucky enough to be privy to. When we went back the next day for the actual show – not so much.
But I have high hopes.
My girl is different now. She is. I just know she is.
And there is nothing that I want to give her as much as this.
The show is Godspell.
If you don’t know the back story, please, please, please (I’m begging) stop here and read the following two posts before continuing. Please. Trust me. Please. I promise I’ll wait.
We have front row seats. I paid a king’s ransom for them. I don’t care.
After we bought the tickets a reader wrote to me to say that she knows a member of the cast. What could they do for us? she asked. How could she make my girl’s experience even more special?
I stared at her e-mail and cried. Then I called her on the phone, hung up and cried some more.
I asked Brooke if she might like to go backstage after the show, to meet the actors. Her answer was all Brooke.
“I will go so I will hug Mary Magdalene. I love her and she loves me.”
It was settled.
I want so badly for this to work for my girl.
I want to give her joy.
I want to give her the thing that she loves so very much.
I want to give her Godspell.
Yes, it’s been a hell of a week. A week in which I have questioned my faith in a way that I haven’t in years. In which I turned to friends and my pastor and still – still the answer just wasn’t there. Faith wasn’t there – isn’t there. I don’t feel it. I don’t believe it. I’ve been convinced I’d lost it.
But suddenly, as I type, I have a feeling I might know where it is.
In a trip to New York with my little girl to watch a play about joy, about freedom, about walking with God.
Yes, the gifts are there. Even when they are buried really, really deep.
Brooke and Jesus watching Godspell together, Nov, 2010