Friend: What i hate even more than “everything happens for a reason” is “god never gives you more than you can handle.” ummm…then what exactly is suicide?

7:21pm
Me:
THANKYOU.
I have been told many times over both phrases when it came to the miscarriage I had many years ago and M’s diagnosis of autism and our on going challenges with it. I am especially sensitive to these phrases currently because M’s had a rough week last week and if today is a precursor to the week it’s gonna be another rough week.

Top that off with the fact that now B is going to night school five nights a week -leaving me to do all afterschool pick up, therapy sessions (which I had done for four years before he got laid off) but also tuck in, clean up, dinner and dishes, AND he is in class all day on Saturdays. I feel like if there is a god s/he/it is priming me for the fact that B will probably get into the apprenticeship program and be away from us for weeks or months at a time. But still, I so fucking did not ask for any of this and I am not feeling so special about myself that I think I can handle all this and be an effective, loving, supportive mother and wife sometimes.

Then I remind myself that many single parents do this for a lifetime, or at least a couple of decades and for us it may be as temporary as 3 years or a new way of life.

Anyway, so very sorry to unload on you, your topic of conversation just happen to be the victim of my mindset. I should also add that as a special needs parent one of the most damaging to the sense of self as a parent is the ongoing “parent-teacher-therapist” meetings -large and small. The ones like IEPs or the ones where you get pulled aside when signing your child out and hearing about the stuff that’s been going on, usually the challenging stuff, the self destructive stuff, the inappropriate behavior stuff, the social and academic delays, and somewhere buried in all that is the little positive thing but usually it gets totally overshadowed and you walk away feeling completely deflated and depressed that you can’t do more to help your child cope and wonder in complete mind-bogledness why this happens so frequently in school/class and not at home. This type of interaction being a day after day thing and all. And then you curse the universe for this sick and twisted situation because there’s nothing else to do and no one else to blame.

Ok, I’m done, sorry for being a debbie downer. Clearly I need a shrink and a drink. Heh.