fifty shades of oh my god, mom, seriously?

*

It’s been a hard three days. Last night was tough. Tonight was tougher. For the sake of our sanity, it’s time to laugh. For that reason, tomorrow’s Diary post is going to be funny. Nothing but funny. There, consider yourself warned.

~ Diary’s Facebook status last night

*

As many of you know, I post periodically on Diary’s Facebook page. Usually in the evenings, I’ll share a thought – something I found funny perhaps, a cute kid story, or maybe something that struck me as particularly profound. I usually don’t stray too far off the reservation. Although my ‘real life’ sense of humor tends toward being pretty crass, I like to keep things clean here in Diary Land. It’s a family show, after all and my greatest hope is that someday my children will read what I’ve written here. Well, maybe not here today, but ya know, in general. Anyway, point is, I try to mostly stay within the navigational buoys.

One night a couple of weeks ago, however, I veered into some previously uncharted territory. I made a reference to the Fifty Shades of Grey books. I wasn’t sure how it would fly, but I figured that the odds were pretty good that in this crowd, the majority of whom are, I assume, moms, I wasn’t going to be the only one who knew what Charlie Tango was. (Christian Grey’s helicopter for the uninitiated.)

This is what I posted ..

The responses were hilarious. There was a lot of commentary on the awful writing (agreed), but even more “Gee, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Laters, baby.” confessions and even an admission to owning a “We aim to please” t-shirt. Good stuff.

And then there was a comment that went like this …

It was Ana’s mom who had her when she was very young (goodness, I don’t know how I knew that)!

To which I responded ..

Cause I had to ..

With this ..

~

The next day at work, I couldn’t resist sharing the story with a colleague. He gave me one in return.

A friend’s wife had started the first book in the series. His buddy was, well, shall we say ‘excited’ to hear about it. He asked her for details, and was extremely disappointed when she told him that she’d lost interest in the book and abandoned it less than halfway through.

He was then surprised and delighted, if not slightly confused, when he then found all three books on their shared Kindle a couple of weeks later. Once again, he was, well, ‘excited’ to hear about it. He climbed into bed one night and feverishly asked the question.

“So, what happened? I thought you didn’t like the Fifty Shades books, but now I see you’ve read them all.”

He waited anxiously for her answer.

“Oh yeah” she said, shrugging, “I wasn’t into the first one at all, but your mom said I really should give it another chance so I did.”

According to the story, he looked at her for a moment, processed what she had just told him and said as he turned out the light, “I never, ever want to talk about this again.”

~

Last Sunday, while everyone was puttering around the house, I snuck outside with the intention of transporting myself to Seattle for a little .. um .. intrigue. I got about five minutes into Ana and Oh dear God is she seriously staring down at her knotted fingers, battling with her inane inner goddess or using the word ‘there’ to describe her nether region AGAIN? when Katie came outside. She walked over and immediately asked the question.

“Whatchareadin?”

I stared at her for a moment, my mouth slack. There was no sound coming out.

“You OK, Mama?” she asked.

I blinked.

“Oh, hi, baby,” I said, pretending that somehow I hadn’t seen her in the uh, glare of the sun. “Oh, just a silly book.”

“What’s it called?”

I blinked again. I was cornered.

“It’s part of a series. It’s um, Fifty Shades of Grey.”

As soon as the words were out, I panicked. I pictured her in a bookstore with a friend and said friend’s parents and her seeing the book and pointing and shouting, “MY MOM IS READING THAT BOOK!” and then some lady in an ill-fitting suit from DSS coming to my door and telling me that I got some ‘splainin to do, Lucy and then I *really* panicked and when I really panic I start talking which is really the worst thing you can do when you really panic cause then you know, you say stupid stuff that you really, really wish you hadn’t, like, oh, I don’t know, like when your kid asks if you like the books and you can’t seem to stop the words before they’re out and you hear them and they are,

“Yeah, they’re pretty good. But um, well, there’s some pretty inappropriate scenes in them, ya know, like romance stuff, so it’s not really something to mention around other people, OK?”

And then it’s sort of like you’re underwater when you hear her saying, “Oh my God, that’s gross,” and you know that she doesn’t necessarily think that it’s gross like ya know, intrinsically but that it’s gross because her MOM is reading it and then you think of this …

… and you realize that you know EXACTLY how she feels.

~

Ed Note: Today’s Tweet of the day ..

Nearly 9,000 signatures objecting to @joeNBC @Morning_Joe ‘s reckless comments re #autism. Pls sign + share http://www.change.org/petitions/joe-scarborough-msnbc-retract-your-statements-about-autism-and-the-colorado-shooting @Starbucks

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27 thoughts on “fifty shades of oh my god, mom, seriously?

  1. Glad I’m not the only one who is frustrated with the BAD writing – “she murmured…” Ugh. :) Seriously having a hard time finishing these books that everyone said I just HAD TO read! Note the shouty capitals.

  2. lol!!!ok, that was pretty funny. I have not read the books, but heard plenty about them. I can’t even think about my mom reading them. Though I do remember her reading many trashy romance novels when I was a kid.

  3. I LOVED Fifty! I mean, it’s about as far from reality as you can get, and I soooooo need that every once in a while! I think Christian Grey is my perfect distraction!! Thanks for the laughs this morning!

  4. Am I the only person who gave the books to my mom to read when I was done? There must be something wrong with me! LOL

    Shannon

  5. I am frustrated that my Inner Goddess keeps telling me that cake is a very good breakfast choice. My Book Club decided to read this book for our June meeting. Best.Book.Club.Meeting.Ever. Don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my life!

  6. Lucky for me my daughter did not ask me if I read it (phew!) but she did tell me SHE wants to read it….she also asked if she could see Magic Mike at the movies……she just turned 15 – have mercy on me!

  7. Jess! Today you have brought tears from laughter! I have to share my Fifty Shades experience…. I have not yet read them and other than hearing that they are “soft porn” thanks to several young Norwegians didn’t know much. Let me just say, though, that the book is actually hysterical when being read dramatically by a gay man!

  8. whenever i’m reading a guilty pleasure and someone asks, “what are you reading?” i just lie through my teeth…i’ll hide the cover and say, “um…proust”…

  9. I was reading the first book in bed one afternoon when my 8yo daughter came in and asked me what the book was about. My husband had walked in behind her and we both just sort of looked at each other like a pair of deer in headlights. ”Ummmmm, it’s a love story” was all I could think of to say. LOL!

  10. Too funny!!
    My 70 year old mother, unknowingly asked a nice young gentleman at Target where the new book “Something Shades of Grey” was. She has been hearing so much about it. After looking at Nana as if she has three heads, he lead her to the book. After Nana read a few pages, she promptly placed it back on the shelf.
    I would give a week’s paycheck to hear what the nice Target clerk was telling his coworkers in the breakroom that day!

  11. I must say I started the “series” the week of July 4th to escape from a family vacation. It worked. For that I am grateful. :) Replacing the Bible with it, however, is a little much. Lol! It was nice to read a book about a topic other than Autism for the first time in 8 years. Except the Bible of course. Laters. D A grateful and smiling mom.

  12. hi doll – i know this is not the proper forum for literary critique, you just happen to hit me as i finished this book! i have to say this novel irritated me so much that i could barely enjoy the “good parts.” (you know, kind of like a novice who tries to hard?) foil package, *down there* and jeez shall be forbidden from future vernacular.

    • The language of the sex scenes has gotten so repetitive that I have actually found myself skimming over them in order to get through the story. When I told Luau that, he blanched. ‘Oh my God,’ he said, ‘you’re reading Playboy for the articles!’ LOL

  13. Hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but some days I think of you as the Oprah of Autism Moms. Like today. Thank you – I needed this too. And I love that your Mom is always the first person to comment on your posts (does she get an advance copy, or does she wait up at night for them?)- I was really wondering what she’d say this time! p.s. if I were you, prepare yourself for a lot of future comments starting with “Fair point, well made . . . “

    • Lol! One of only two other women in my office has read them all as well. I can’t tell you how many times a day we manage to say, ‘A fair point well made, Ms W’ to each other. ;)

    • I wish I could get an advanced copy, Amy. I don’t stay up all night waiting for the posts but I do get up very early both to get to work and to hopefully catch the latest post each day.

  14. oh it gets worse, I was discussing something my son had done at school and I said “I’m sorry but you can’t allow him to do that, it’s a hard limit for me” and I gasped at what had just come out of my mouth and went red, thankfully she hasn’t read the book because it didn’t register with her at all:)

  15. She is just like her mom and it makes me smile that she will torture you as you did to me. Pay back is a …… ,isn’t it?
    Love you,
    Dad

  16. I haven’t read it, but when I told one of my students that they needed to read for pleasure over the summer, he gave me a cheeky grin and asked “So, I should read 50 shades of Grey then?”

    I nearly peed myself. I love that child.

  17. Well if I’m going to be in the “know” I guess I better go ahead and download that book. I mean for educational purposes.

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