1. If I knock over the sign that says ‘Quiet Please’ in the quiet room at the Spa, it will make a really loud noise.
1.a. If I make a really loud noise in the quiet room at the spa, everyone will look at me.
1.b. If I say, “Oh, the irony!” as I pick it up, almost everyone will laugh.
1.c. When almost everyone laughs, the quiet room at the spa will be anything but quiet.
1.d. The very pregnant lady in the corner will not be laughing.
1.e. I’ll feel kinda badly for her, remembering when I was pregnant and sorta hated everything and everyone.
1.f. Three minutes into a hot stone massage, I’ll forget the humorless pregnant lady.
1. g. And my name.
1.h. And that will be good.
2. I’ll feel really old when I say, “I don’t get these new-fangled slot machines.”
2.a. Only old people say new-fangled.
2.b. New-fangled is fun to say.
2.c But I really will have no clue how the damn things work.
2.d. And they don’t come with explanations.
2.e. And everyone else apparently gets it or is happy to just feed them money without getting it.
2.f. Whether or not you know what’s happening, slot machines are an extremely efficient way to lose money.
3. Blackjack is way more fun.
3.a. Cause at least you lose your money (a little) more slowly.
4. When you’re five feet tall on a good day and your travel companion is 5’10 in her bare feet and likes to wear heels, you’ll be glad you brought these.
5. Real friends, no matter how tall they are, are priceless.
6. I am at the age where if I were single, I’d be a cougar.
6.a. I have no idea when that happened.
6.b. Bar talk at this age is, um, interesting.
6.c. I am not a cougar.
7. Most cabana boys do not look like the ones we conjure up in our heads.
7.a. Which is kind of a bummer.
7.b. On the heels of #6, this is kind of uncomfortable.
7.c. Moving on.
8. I will mention autism, even in casual conversation.
8.a. But not all the time.
9. I will be extremely taken aback when someone says, “Your friend told me that you both have kids with autism. It’s just incredible what you guys do. Truly.”
9.a. It will be his head cocked ever so slightly to the side and the look on his face that will really do me in.
9.b. And the oozy, drippy sympathy will make me, well, angry.
9.c. I will be tempted to say, “If you actually knew anything about what I do, I’d be OK with this. But all you know is that I am my daughter’s mother, and please sir, understand that being my daughter’s mother is the greatest honor on this earth and one for which perhaps I deserve your envy, but sure as hell not your sympathy.
9.d. I won’t.
9.e. And that’s OK.
10. When a baby screams at midnight in the room next door, I’ll flash back some five years to a hotel in Buffalo at 3 a.m., Brooke jumping on my head while yelling, “THREE LITTLE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!” and I’ll be pretty sure the baby is karmic payback.
11. Coquis actually exist.
11.a. And not just on Dora.
11.b. Coquis are really loud.
12. I am a mom.
12.a. It’s who I am.
12.b. For me, being a mom will always come first.
12.c. It’s how I’m designed.
12.d. But it’s not ALL that I am.
12.e. The rest of me is sorta cool too.
12.f. I need to remember that a little more often.
Ed note: I am honored to have guest posted over at the Oxygen Mask Project. Come check it out, won’t you?