it’s ok, part 2

Editor’s note: WordPress has gone funky on me this week and the color doesn’t seem to want to stick to the hot links. So, when you see a word in bold print followed by (<– LINK!), click on it to link through. Or don’t. But now you know you have the choice ;).

**

“She’ll know it wasn’t easy. She’ll know her Mama made mistakes. She’ll know I couldn’t always protect her, no matter how much I may have wanted to. But I hope and I pray that when she looks back over it all she’ll know more than anything that I tried. That I did everything I could think to do to understand her, to help her, and – above all – to love her. And that she will know deep down that for those times that I stumbled – when try as I might I just didn’t get it – that I am so, so sorry.”

From You’re Sorry, (<– LINK!) November, 2010

*

“It’s wasted guilt . . . those of us on the spectrum do not share it at all. I have yet to see a kid with autism who blames mom. I have yet to see a kid who blames anyone at all, in fact. We just are what we are. Those of us with sense make the best of it. Some get derailed by the lure of victimhood. Don’t go there.

I agree, mom guilt is a huge issue. But there’s usually no reason for it.”

John Elder Robison (<– LINK!) in a comment on Diary September, 2008

**

At the end of one of the posts that I referenced in my last entry, (<– LINK!) there was a quote from my dear friend, M. (<– LINK!)

M is one of my favorite human beings on the planet. He writes a hauntingly beautiful, riotously funny, sometimes heartbreaking, always brilliantly crafted blog (<– LINK!) about life through his particular lens – which happens to include Asperger’s.

My post, ‘Getting There is Love’ and the story told within it had been written in response to one of M’s posts. (<– LINK!) M then responded to ‘Getting There’ with yet another post, which then set off a fabulous run of blog to blog dialogue, or ‘cross blogination’ as we dubbed it at the time. *Hi, M!*

Within M’s response to my self-flagellation (see the quote at the top of the page) was the following sentence.

‘“Being there is empathy. Getting there is love.”

Two years later, that line still stops me in my tracks.

We spend so much time and energy trying to achieve empathy with our kids – trying to crawl inside their lives and experience the world as they do – to FEEL what they feel and in so doing, to truly understand them from the inside out.

It doesn’t always work. In fact, we sometimes we fail miserably.

In his post, M had said the following.

“Empathy, in my opinion, is not necessarily the answer. That may sound weird, but it’s true. Empathy is more of a goal that you work towards. It’s a good goal…one of the best you could possibly have. But to think from another persons perspective – it requires that the other person be able to articulate their inner experiences. That is absolutely necessary for empathy to be real. In situations where a person is unable to do that…it can take time to understand their reality. A lot of it.

Without that internal information, the most compassionate person in the world can fail to empathize. Because it’s hard. Because no one can magically appear at point B, as frustrating as that is.

(I say “they have to articulate their inner experiences”…that’s not necessarily true. People communicate in all sorts of ways without words, but it can still take time to understand the other person, decode their personal language.)”

Achieving empathy is a process – even a lifetime pursuit. At the very least it is an ongoing evolution. And it’s not a smooth path by any means. But as long as we continue to move forward – as long as we lovingly and thoughtfully apply each lesson learned – we are heading in the right direction.

At the end of my response to M, I’d written the following. I think it bears repeating. (And I don’t mean just for you dear reader. ‘Cause I need to hear it again. And again.)

“For me it boils down to this: We’re so much harder on ourselves than we are on others. We mete out forgiveness and support, validation and love so freely to each other, but somehow it’s so much harder to find the same compassion, the same gentleness for ourselves. And according to my dear friend and sage, as long as we’re trying, we deserve a little slack. An ‘A’ for effort, as it were. Because we’re getting there, aren’t we? And getting there is love. So says M.”

I’ve held onto that every day since. I held it every time Brooke ran through the painful script about the ballet shoes. I held it each time I tore my hair out trying to understand and feeling like I never would.

Being there is empathy. Getting there is love.

That goes for our children, and it goes for ourselves.

Exhale.

It’s OK. (<– LINK!)

About these ads

22 thoughts on “it’s ok, part 2

  1. Holy smokes, you know I needed to hear/read that about now. Thanks for this. It does bear repeating.

    “That goes for our children, and it goes for ourselves.”

    Yup.

    Love to you dear girl.

  2. DOAM, not sure what’s going on to provoke these recent posts, but whatever it is you have my support. I think the world of you, Luau and your kids and hold you all in my heart and prayers.

    Oh and in those dark moments, when all else fails, know that Sister Wives will return and Celtic’s start playing ball this week:)

    • thank you, love. nothing bigger than what you see, i promise.

      after writing the first one, i started reading back over those old posts and the lines caught my eye (along with my heart). a lot of people reached out to say that they could relate to the guilt factor, so i mined the posts and essentially reprinted what i thought we all needed to hear.

      but i’ll take the prayers any day of the week!

  3. So true – we devalue the feedback that we give ourselves, because it is free and often resides only in the quiet recesses of our minds. We place such high value on external validation or confirmation from others, because it has so much more meaning when it resonates with our own internal dialogue. That’s not coming out clearly in my pre-caffeine fog, but I mean to convey that I agree!

  4. See now I think you’re wonderful. Do you make mistakes? Yes I’m sure as we all do. You are trying your best. Some days it’s good enough, some days it’s not good enough and other days well it’s FABULOUS.

    We get back up and try again and again and again and well you get my point.

    And if it wasn’t for you, Judith, Jeneil, Pixie, Kyra, Tanya and Michelle and a host of others, I don’t know what I’ve would’ve done that awful hideous first year. Maybe some days you can’t help Brooke in the way you’d like but the fierce Mama Bear that is you is always always there and that’s what matters most.

    Now with that being said, do I need to come there with wine and chocolate?

  5. Believe in yourself for “You always do better than you can.”
    No room or reason for guilt so don’t go there. It’s a waste of time and energy. You are the best and always have been.
    Dad

  6. We all have our “ballet shoes” moment (I know I have several). What we all don’t have is someone to so eloquently remind us to forgive ourselves, because that is what’s best for our children too. We’re still potty training autistic child #2 this week, and I REALLY needed these last few posts!

  7. I hear you — and I’ve always thought love was the most important part of this journey — but I type this with tears in my eyes because something’s happened recently to E where he’s questions my love. Or rather he says he thinks I love G more because he gives me “less trouble.” Heartbreaking. I just hope I can get him to believe again.

  8. “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” – Christopher Robin

  9. Once again, you have so eloquently said what I needed to hear. We have all had our “Ballet shoes” Moments. For me and my son it was me not being able to find the treasured “Thomas the tank engine” train on demand, or not being able to keep His baby sister from crying. It is so hard to forgive ourselves…..but its so important that we do! Thank you (again) for your Blog!

  10. well, you should be forgiving towards yourself. any missteps that are made you make up for 100 fold, always. what i read in these posts is the very obvious NEED to connect with your little one, the very deep love you feel for her. the empathy thing will happen, but the love thing is obviously there, in progress, and that’s what matters most.

    you: an inspiration, through and through. your words mean more to me than you can know, thank you jess.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s