sorting memories

*

Memory: a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things.

~ Pierce Harris

***

11:06 p.m.

Luau and I have just gotten back from a night out with cousins. Julie’s gone home for the night. I am exhausted.

I walk into Katie’s darkened room and search for her in a tangled pile of bedclothes. I chuckle as it becomes clear that she’s completely hidden beneath her comforter. I circle the amorphous blob of pink fairies, stars and magic wands, searching for her head.

I pull the comforter back just the tiniest bit to reveal her sleeping body. She scrunches her nose as if she’s smelled something displeasing, turns her head to the side and emits a string of words – only one of which I think I can decipher, but not with any certainty. Her arms flail momentarily as if to help her make a point, then settle on top of the covers. She is dead asleep.

I put my hand over hers. She is warm.

I wonder what she thinks about the day we’ve had. I wonder how its story will work its way into the hierarchy of her memory. Will she remember the fun we had at the pool? Will she think of her Mama scoring her dives off the diving board – being chided not to add in the ‘love quotient’ into the scores – REAL scores, Mama – like if you didn’t know me. NO love in the numbers!

Will she remember playing water torpedoes with Daddy or meeting a friend who was new to the pool and looking for some kids to hang out with? Will she remember playing ‘human surf board’ with Mama until we both laughed so hard we nearly drowned ourselves?

Or will she remember first that she – and only she – could reach her sister when all hell broke loose? Will she remember the helplessness in her Mama’s eyes when she simply could not calm her down? Will she remember that she was the only one who had the tools to comfort her?

Will she look back on that moment with a sense of pride? Or with something closer to my greatest fear –  overwhelming exhaustion at the burden of being the only one with the secret formula? Will she remember her Mama’s relief and gratitude with pride or resentment?

I lay my cheek next to hers. I expect her to move away with the impulse of sleep but she doesn’t. I listen to her breathe.

I kiss her forehead and whisper, “I love you, sweet girl.”

***

11:10 p.m.

I slowly open Brooke’s door, trying to contain its creak. Her face is calm with sleep, unfazed by the interruption. Her favorite ‘guys’ share her bed – an odd menagerie of characters from Jesus to Boots the Monkey to Prairie Dawn –  inclusion at work.

I watch her sleep, wondering what she thinks about the day we’ve had. I wonder how its story will work its way into the hierarchy of her memory. Will she remember happily riding the ‘lower case slide’ over and over and over and over (and over!) again? Will she remember playing the ‘Godspell be careful game’? Will she remember the race to eat her fudgesicle before it melted its sticky sweetness all over her little body? Will she remember that she stole that fudgesicle from her Mama, who was then stuck with a tangerine pop? Will she remember Daddy and Katie teasing Mama about losing her fudge bar to our own little Swiper? Will she remember jumping off the diving board, shutting her eyes and smiling in mid-air?

Or will she remember the fear? The confusion? Will she remember the typical childhood experience of wanting to conquer something scary? Or the not remotely typical experience of navigating it without being able to communicate or understand the overwhelming feelings surrounding it? Will she remember declaring that she wanted to try the ‘capital slide’ or telling me over and over again that ‘it wouldn’t go too fast’? Will she remember climbing so bravely to the top, only to walk back down the stairs in tears? Will she remember her dogged determination to try again and her Mama so eager, so desperate to figure out how to help her through the fear without pushing her into something for which she simply wasn’t ready?

Will she remember the words that flew at her from all directions – the lifeguard, the well-meaning dad and his sons whose generous attempts at encouragement rained down on her in an overwhelming and confusing deluge of senseless sound? Will she remember her Mama trying to help her identify the emotions and telling her that it’s OK to feel scared? Will she remember her trying so hard to reason through the unreasonable? Will she remember that she ultimately couldn’t conquer the fear that day?

Will she remember losing control completely? Will she remember how her little body heaved with the sobs that she simply couldn’t contain? Will she remember her Mama telling her it was all right? That she could do it another time? That she’d try again when she felt ready? That Mama gets scared sometimes too? Will she remember me reminding her that she was scared of Winston such a short time ago, but now she loves his doggie kisses and belly rubs? Will she remember any of the words that she didn’t seem to hear? Will she remember the desperation in her Mama’s voice as she tried everything in her arsenal to calm her down and nothing – NOTHING – was working?

Will she remember her sister? Will she remember Katie swimming over and saying, without a moment’s hesitation, ‘Hey, Brooke, what do you want me to say?”

Will she remember sucking in a jagged breath and saying, “Zeeeeeeeeee!”?

Will she remember Katie echoing it back to her  – “Zeeeeeeeeee!”?

Will she remember that they played ‘the repeating game’ until the sobs finally subsided? Will she remember her Mama letting her go, nudging her to float out into the water and swim toward her sister – toward the comfort and peace she so desperately needed? Will she remember that Katie HATES the repeating game? Will she know how much love went into that moment? Will she understand the gift that her sister gave her?

I kiss her head and brush the hair out of her eyes. I say, “I love you, baby,” as softly as I can. She whispers back, perfectly clearly, “I love you.” Her eyes open for a fraction of a second. They close just as quickly.

I kiss her one last time and quietly close her door.

***

11:16 p.m.

I cross the hallway to my room, exhausted. I draw back the covers and slide into the comfort of my bed. Luau and I chat for a minute. He’s wide awake. These are his hours; pre-dawn are mine.

I lie back and let my head finally relax against the pillows. I close my eyes and breathe.

What will I remember when I look back on this day? Will I remember the laughter or will it fade as I focus on the tears? Will I think of how far my girl had come in the space of a year? Or will I dwell on the distance yet to travel? Will I remember the angst? The desperation? The helplessness? Or will I remember a little girl who took the first steps toward conquering fear? Will I remember Katie’s quiet heroics or will the shards of memory begin to overlap, as they so often seem to these days, until the individual pieces are no longer distinguishable from one another?

I take a deep breath and fade into a fitful sleep. Tomorrow I will sit before a blinking cursor and do my best to sort the memories.

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27 thoughts on “sorting memories

  1. Sometimes you really should give a kleenex warning, for those with “leaky eyes”, okay? Fear sucks, it just does. We do our best to calm the waters and make sure everything is as perfect as perfect can be, and then it goes to hell in a hand basket in a NY minute. What do they remember. My guess, all of it, how else do they make such progress? They remember the small attempts and build into larger ones, and it works. Aidan can now go into ANY pool and stay unassisted for hours! That did not what happened last year. Faith or fear-faith every time DOAM, every time.
    S~ xo

  2. beautifully written. I turn over these events in my head as well when I scrapbook. How should something be approached? One can always find a negative with the positive. I think the best authenic answer is just as you wrote it: both. I am astounded by Katie – I see the same in my girl, how she calms my boy. Our children are so special.

  3. It’s just beautiful how the older kids jump in and help out. I’d like to think that it’s just part of life for them, not a burden. Only time will tell, I guess.

    xo

  4. To answer your question, you will remember it ALL. Every detail of the day and all the other days,and you will be able to bring them back in the future. Those memories are part of the weight you carry because of who you are. They flood your mind in the very early hours of the morning which is why you don’t sleep so well any more.It’s the price “you” pay for loving them more than life itself. It’s what makes you who you are.
    I know this because,for better or for worse that is how I have always loved you.
    Dad

  5. Katie is DEFINITELY Brooke’s big sister for a reason! You have two very amazing and special girls there ~ God Bless them both. :)

  6. every time hope sacrifices for her sister or defends her or “rescues” her and loves her with the sister love that only she can give, i think of katie. every time.

  7. Today I sat through my middle son’s college “freshman orientation for parents”. (My middle son is a year younger than his brother, who has AS.)The speaker went through each year- in 1992 this was happening in the world and this is what your child was probably doing, etc, etc. And I cried through the whole thing, because each year, for me, had a different benchmark- the year we got the first diagnosis and I dragged my infant (and his newly diagnosed PDD brother) from doctor to doctor; the year the older one was kicked out of pre-school and I dragged my even younger one through…well, you get my drift.

    My point? You remember everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, the sweet. When fear closed your throat shut and when joy broke your heat open. And hopefully you get to the point where you forgive yourself, forgive each other and look at the lives you have created for yourselves and the family that you have built and start to breathe and love it all, in the moment, for what it is.

  8. So beautifully written. I often wonder what I’ll remember too when I look back on this time in our lives. I try to be conscious everyday of what the Roc might remember as well. Though many times that goes straight out the window during a crisis.

    You have the most beautiful written journal to look back on, that’s for sure.

  9. Beautiful entry :) Katie sounds so wise that I bet she will look back on it in a positive light. She seems like a helping person by nature.

  10. Love. You will remember it all. But you will remember the ribbon of love which binds it all together. Same thing, I think, with Katie & Brooke. Their bond is pure love…even when they annoy each other. xoxo

  11. So glad I remembered to check in after a long weekend. This is beautiful. Katie is brilliant (which you already know)! I will definitely use this tool in the future. How wonderful, simple, effective and perfect this is. thank you.

  12. As my kids is a few steps further in her journey, and is able to tell me what she remembers, I’ll share this with you:

    She sees it all through rose-colored glasses.

    Preschool (enough to make me quake)
    “Best time of my life”

    Disneyland at 3:
    “Happiest Place on Earth” (uh, not so much)

    Tantrums:
    “Remember when I used to freak out a little bit?”
    (um. (beat) Yes)

    I think that the hard part is on US – that’s not to say it’s hard for them, but that we are responsible to make sure that things don’t harm/hurt/damage them in any irrevocable way.

    Tall order?

    You bet.

    The best part of this is your unit. It’s like Scarlett in Gone With the Wind — her strength lay in Tara? – yours is in your own personal domain. And that’s Katie, Brooke, Luau, and yes, even Winston. And that formidable mansion, unscarred by the Civil War – a fortress? That’s you, Babe. A fortress.

    (Forgive me. I watched the movie last night)

  13. i thought your writing was great from the start, but it really does get better and better. your ability to connect words to feelings, experiences, it always amazes me. this is a beautiful set of descriptions, really moving. you: gifted.

    • high praise from one of whom i think the same, she said employing grammatically correct yet terribly awkward syntax.

  14. From a structural point of view- the way you set your writing up is just so lovely. It’s crafted… just crafted.

    And from an impact point of view- wow. The insights that you and Katie had will be the things that keep on moving you all forward.

    And you’ll remember everything- not as a whole, connected experience, but as a collection of times, “Remember the sad times? Oh that one time at the pool. Remember the great family times? Oh that one time at the pool. Oh, remember how amazing Katie is? Oh that one time at the pool….” The memory will fracture and become that much stronger in the fabric of your family’s memories.

  15. You sorted them well into a beautiful, cohesive whole. I really felt like I was there. Katie is truly an extraordinary sibling, and I love how Brooke is trying to conquer her fears more and more frequently.

  16. Pingback: godspell « a diary of a mom

  17. Pingback: godspell – part one « a diary of a mom

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