*
have you ever driven over black ice?
it sneaks up on you
as you drive blithely along
thinking you’re safe
because you’re sure you’ve done everything right
your gas tank is full
the car is well maintained
your seat belt is fastened
your children are buckled into their car seats
you hover just below the speed limit
looking out for the dangers
that you think you might find along the road
*
but you don’t see black ice
you can’t prepare for it
you have no idea it’s there until it’s too late
before you know it, you’re clutching the steering wheel for dear life
you can’t breathe
your heart feels like it will pound through your chest
YOU MAY BE DRIVING THE CAR, BUT SUDDENLY YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CONTROL OVER WHERE IT’S GOING
the need for survival
eclipses the panic
your brain insists on rationality
you turn into the skid as you know you must
it’s counterintuitive
you squash every instinct you have to brake
your foot twitches above the pedal
MAKE THIS STOP
but you can’t
because you didn’t make it go
all you can do is wait it out and hold on until it’s time to steer again
keep the emotion out of it
it has no place in a crisis
you will fall apart later
it’s not time for that yet
you watch the road
you strategize
you try to breathe
when the car finally stops – god willing just shy of the trees – you will fall apart
but not now
now you hold on
and pray
because it’s all about those beautiful babies in the back seat
and since there’s nothing else you can do to guide the car as it careens out of control
you change names
one by one
on a blog
because it’s the one thing that you CAN control
the one thing you can DO
to keep your children safe
and secure
and protected
it’s the one thing whose result is sure
because black ice
is as unpredictable as it is unforgiving
god willing, we will land just shy of the trees
My hope for you is that you feel a sense of control very soon. Sometimes we have to reclaim our boundaries, and the transformation process is very healing. My hope is that some healing comes out of this for you. May you land not only clear of the trees, but in a softer place.
We’ll hang on to each other…
I wish I had wisdom to share. Black ice sucks. Feeling out of control sucks.
I’m so sorry. Keep hanging on. Please.
Thought you might appreciate this post from another great blogger:
http://autismsedges.blogspot.com/
It’s funny–I thought you post was headed someplace else with the Black Ice analogy. I think there’s a lot of black ice in parenting, and maybe more so in parenting a child on the spectrum (or a teenager?!). Thanks for the visual…it helps all of us to think in pictures….
Unfortunately, life is filled with black ice. It really is the combination of luck,skills,love,and what you are made of, that lets you survive and actually suceed or fall victim to the ice.
We all must face the skid at different times in our lives. It is what we do with it that determines the conclusion.
I know you are made of special grit and you have extraordinary skills to do almost anything you want to do. You will achieve your dreams and so will those you love and who love you.
Dad
I hope you are feeling a better sense of control after the name change. I read this post feeling a sense of dread…I hope everything is okay and everyone is safe. (and you enjoyed your vaca or are still enjoying it!)
You can do anything in this life you decide to do, Jess. The black ice is a great metaphor for so many things in life. We all believe in you and know that somehow black ice will never stop you.
With so much love,
Mom
“all you can do is wait it out and hold on until it’s time to steer again” – keep telling yourself that again and again. i’m thinking of you.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}}]
Perhaps parking the “car” and staying “indoors” for awhile might help?
Have you been bothered so much from the outside from your previous blog? Has it been terribly intrusive? I’m so sorry you have been through this.
Oh not at all! The pressure to change the names is strictly internal – and I only mention that process here because it has offered a surprising sense of comfort and control at a difficult time when there’s very little of either in other aspects of my life.
If it helps – we know. We know exactly what it’s like. You will get through it, of that I am certain. Just keep focusing on all that is beautiful, right in front of you.
You are an inspiration, but you are also human. You can do it…you know why?? Because there is no other choice, we are everything to our babies. THIS is what keeps us going. I am keeping you in my prayers and sending a very big hug
I’m sorry it’s been hard. I’m there with you.
hugs and love, my friend.
i’m in the big skid this very instant.
i’m thinking of you and your sweet girls and sending you my biggest love.
I don’t know exactly what is going on, but it sounds like a very rough spot. Praying for you and your precious family.
Sending thoughts of love and understanding your way. Sometimes, to just give in to the skid is what is demanded of us. Remember what my father used to tell me – ‘When you get caught sliding on the ice, turn your wheel in the direction of the slide and all will be well, don’t fight it and turn the wheel the other way.’ Sometimes a good metaphor for life. Wishing you well Jess.
(((((((my dear friend)))))))
Love.
For me, too. It’s all about no control. This post puts it into words exactly. ((hugs))