christine ricci is trying to kill me

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The chicken costume arrived in the mail a couple of days ago. It’s fabulous. Utterly fabulous. The stuffed Boots should be here any day and all that leaves is a plastic fire hat from the party shop. Hooray! Break out the champagne! Let’s celebra …

HUH? WHAT?? A superhero-baseball player-clown? WhatchootalkinboutWillis?

Noooooooooooooooooo!

Yesterday, the girls’ school held a second hand book fair as a fundraiser for the PTO. Parents and kids donated their gently used books and they were resold to raise money for the upcoming fifth grade graduation party. Most items were $1 and it was a nice way to pick up a few age appropriate books without breaking the bank. Katie got a couple of biographies ~ Martin Luther King Jr and Thomas Edison, along with The Little Princess and yet another of the Little Miss books which she adores. Brooke, of course, walked straight over to a pile of Dora books. Somehow, she defied extremely long odds and actually found one we didn’t already have, called Dora’s Costume Party.

Now, you might recall that the entire firechicken Boots fiasco started with another Dora book, Dora’s Halloween Adventure. In that book, as I’d mentioned, our little simian hero has trouble deciding what to be for Halloween. After much angst, he decides not to decide and creates the hybrid firechicken costume. 

Well, apparently Dora, Boots and the folks at Nick Jr weren’t satisfied. Heck, the formula was a success, why do it just once? I can just see them sitting around in their orange and blue lair.

 “Someone get Christine Ricci on the phone! Tell her to whip up another story, STAT! Tell her there’s a kid who’s obsessed with this crap. Slap something together. Go with that whole Halloween thing. Yeah, I know it’s already been done. Beauty of it is, it doesn’t matter! They lap this stuff up; I’m tellin ya. Go with that whole ‘Boots doesn’t know what to be for Halloween’ idea. Trust me; it works like a charm!”

Followed, of course by hand wringing and evil, echoey cartoon laughter.

Last night, Brooke and I settled in to read her new book. She was thrilled. She laughed when Benny the Bull decided to go as a slice of pizza. “That’s so silly!” She happily helped Dora figure out the pattern of petals on her flower costume. “Red, yellow, orange!” She counted in Spanish with Isa the Iguana and searched the page for Tico the Squirrel’s star badge for his cowboy costume. All seemed to be going just fine.

I should have seen it coming. It was right there in print on the second page.“Boots might want to dress up as a superhero who rescues anyone who needs help. Or he could be a baseball player who can hit the ball over the fence and win the game.”

And the third page.“Or maybe he’ll be a clown who does tricks in the circus.”

But no, I just kept blithely walking along the tracks, completely unaware of the oncoming train. I breezed right past, “Boots can’t decide, and it’s almost time for the party!” I never thought twice. I mean, c’mon, little guy. Time to buck up and MAKE A DECISION! No way we’re going down this road again, right? Boots? Baby? I got a bunch of bananas says there’s no way that little fuc …

Oh God. No.

But there he was, on the second to last page, in all his glory. Boots ~ wearing a Bozo wig, a superman t-shirt and cape and a baseball glove, holding a baseball and clutching a bat in his tail, all while riding a unicycle. In case there was any doubt, the text spells it all out. “Oooooh! Boots couldn’t decide on just one thing for his Halloween costume. So he decided to wear all of his favorite costumes. He’s a superhero-baseball player-clown! What a cool costume!”

I’m tellin you right now, if this little monkey doesn’t start making some decisions, he’s going down. 

 

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19 thoughts on “christine ricci is trying to kill me

  1. You don’t know how to talk Brooke down from that ledge? It goes something like this:
    “Oh, look at this silly old book. It’s from YEARS ago…Boots already did that clown costume, but now he REALLY LOVES his chicken fireman costume.”
    and if she argues,

    “Well, for Halloween this year, Boots didn’t even MENTION this costume. I think he doesn’t really like it that much any more. He kind of outgrew it, like you used to really like (fill in blank) but now you prefer Boots. Now Boots prefers his chicken fireman costume.”

    & good luck with that. It could take a year or so. Maybe Katie could help?

    xo

  2. *m* ~ don’t EVEN get me started on hoochie mama tweeny dora .. OMG

    pixie ~ a good plan, all except for the “He kind of outgrew it, like you used to really like (fill in blank) but now you prefer Boots.” part. doesn’t really work when you can only fill in the blank with, oh wait, let me think, it’s coming to me .. BOOTS

    i think we’ll be fine for her upcoming birthday. she’s pretty well set on the whole firechicken thing. besides, i um, hmm, can’t seem to find that darn book from last night. gee, i wonder what happened to it? darndest thing, but i’ll bet ya a week’s pay that it turns up on her birthday. you know, right AFTER we give her her gifts :)
    (just kiddin, i’d never have the heart)

  3. While you’re chewing out Nickelodeon, give them an earful about the upcoming “tween” Dora — I assume you’ve read/heard about that? Ick!

  4. Usually, you make me cry when I read your heart-filling, emotionally honest, spiritual posts. So I was totally unprepared today when I settled into my comfy office chair with a cuppa to read today’s gem. I got to “whatchootalkingboutwillis” and found out what it feels like to have boiling caffeinated liquid shooting out of my nose. Oh, maaannn!

  5. Well now you know why I pre-read all my kids books ….it’s not satisfying my inner child, it’s the only way I get to stay ahead of the game!! Do you have “In the night garden”? See it coming, move away, far far away. You have been warned

  6. I gotta agree with Mara about the coffee. OUCH.
    O.M.G! TOOOOOO funny. (Says the woman who is alternately envious and grateful that my son won’t sit and read books with me!)

  7. what kind of message is this sending our children??? that you can get out of making real decisions by compromising all the time??? and now you tell me there’s a hoochie tweeny dora??? we’re going to have to ban dora in my house.

    just kidding. 8)

  8. You caught me at the title and I had to know how the Addams family gal (ah, guess that was ChristinA Ricci) was killing you. Dora has caused us to step outside the box on too many occasions to count. Our daughter has a rock wall in her bedroom with Star Mountain painted on it. Tacky, but we do what we must. You know we’re standing by for a pic of the Firechicken!

  9. this makes me long for the days of mr. rogers. simple. straightforward. “be nice.” “love your parents”. what did he wear? a sweater and sneakers. no…fire chicken boot things.

    of course, he did hang out with weird looking puppets. that was probably unhealthy. and his relationship was the mailman may have crossed boundaries. i dont’ know. they were never clear on that.

    maybe an samurai astronaut chef monkey (or whatever) isn’t so bad.

  10. Pingback: the best laid plans (or the story of fire chicken boots) « a diary of a mom

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